Leftovers

Fragments of your smell in the blanket. Bits of your memories on the sheets. Indifferentiable whispered Iloveyous. Fading feel of your lips against mine. Rising cold realization. Numbing of my mind. Half closed, sleep craving, waiting hollows of eyes. Drying words. Cooling passion and firing up again. Curled toes and trembling fingers. Reminiscence of your breath on my face. Messy hair. Salty thin strings of water from above. Your absence in the presence of your leftovers.

Don't go please.


Or are you gone already?

Did You Know Why?

Intoxication, high

Most of the times, you don't know why.

I speak, three wonder creating words,

You smile, I wait for you to be heard.

I see you again,

With a look, same

I speak again

But this time, you don't feign

A smile, you cry

I thought I knew why.

I run my fingers through your hair

Hold you for long, it was only fair

You deserved this,

I didn't know what I'd missed.

I sit down beside you,

Speak words, new.

"You share your dreams, I'll tell you mine,

Together we'll create a dream, make our lives sublime"

You smile at me weakly,

You knew I am beaming,

You shake your head and walk away.

She says she feels sorry and holds your hand,

You wrap your arms around her, not a word you say.

I see you again,

With a look, same

You turn around and so do I,

If only you'd told me,

Why the intoxication, why the high.

I Want You - Like Crazy - But Baby You're So Far Away.

Just saw the movie Like Crazy. Halfway through it, I’d almost lost faith in long distance relationships. Thankfully, the end was slightly positive though highly ambiguous. Did they no longer love each other like the way they used to? I almost cried. The way they hugged when they met after a long time, the way she stared at empty metros where they’d travelled together. I am a sort of an emotional fool, but you have to see it to feel it. It is heartbreaking to know that they probably separated after the shower. For my satisfaction, I believe they lived happily ever after. But after their encounters with other partners in each others’ absence, I don’t know. It’s more heartbreaking than ever.

I don’t know why everyone makes such hype about long distance relationships. Why can’t they work out? The bracelet Jacob gifts Anna, indeed, what was written on it was the key – patience. Who knows whether you’re meant to be? Who knows if you will separate forever? What you do know is that you’re one, not physically, but in love, in thoughts.

With patience, comes trust. You have to be patient enough to understand that nothing can go on in their life in your absence because you mean the world to them. You trust them, they trust you and that is where you establish the root of your long distance relationship.

You can’t get involved with someone else. Because if that works out, then there wouldn’t have been a long distance in the first place. You decide on something when you say Okay let’s how it works out but in your hearts of heart, you believe in it truly. So you wouldn’t be seen dead with someone else. 

Need I mention this? It’s love. It binds you and it is the reason why you’re here in the first place. Nurture it, preserve it, cherish it and believe in it. And it will get you through and make you happier than ever.

Stop whining about how you’re the only one who calls them. It’s okay to keep making the effort. After all, what counts is whether you talked and not who initiated the conversation – unless you’ve fought of course. The important thing is to keep the conversations going even if you have run out of things to talk about. As a matter of fact, if you’re in love, you can have a conversation with having nothing to talk about.

In today’s world, when there is ample access to internet and other devices that keep you connected 24/7, there is no reason why long distance relationships should be so difficult to take and hard to maintain – unless, of course, you’re incompatible. There are only so many things that you need to keep a relationship going but maybe if you just believe in yourselves and love with all your heart, you’ll have that world you’ve been dreaming of.

When you know that the answer of what have you been doing is waiting for them, you know there’s nothing such as long distance.

Cheers to love!

Over A Cup of Coffee and Paneer Tikka - Part 3

“Max? Who is he, Mish?” her eyes glinted.

“Max Hospital, Lipika. Hospital,” she said the last word through gritted teeth, trying very hard to suppress a scream.

“But Mish--” Lipika began.

“I know you’ve been stopping me since morning. But it isn’t right. I know it isn’t. I love him and that’s all that matters. I’ll forgive him, this one time. He deserves forgiveness. For all the love he ever gave me,” she could sense tears in her eyes but she didn’t want to cover them now. She hadn’t cried for a month. Now, she could. Now, she could release the hurt, the pain, the anger. She knew it wasn’t entirely Lipika’s fault, who’d kept her from Ansh all through this month, but she just couldn’t take it any longer. Her mind had given up, lost to her heart.

“He hasn’t even told you her name, Mish,” Lipika said in a last-ditch effort.

“I DON’T CARE. JUST GO,” she shouted and then broke into sobs. “Just take me there.”

Lipika turned the car to the direction of the hospital. Nervous breakdown was not her thing to handle, she was sure as hell.

Now, Mishka could feel the taste of coffee and paneer tikka in her mouth. It was almost as if she was coming back to life. She had kept all her memories at bay by working overtime. Every time a memory surfaced, she blocked it with anger. She took sleeping pills so she didn’t have to think before sleeping. But since the past week, her mother had hidden them. And now she thought. Hard. She thought how much she missed him, how much she loved him. She thought if that was how petty her love was that it could not forgive. She remembered how they shared coffee and paneer tikka during the cold nights, how he had hugged her to sleep. How he loved her. Really loved her. Her mind kept racing to the memories of the past and she had realized what she was stopping. Now, nothing could stop her.

“We are here, Mishka. Go.” Lipika announced as they reached Max hospital.

“Thanks, Lipika,” Mishka was still crying. Then she ran.

Lipika was only whimpering. She didn’t cry that easily. But she was saying it again and again. “The girl was me. I am sorry, Mishka.” She knew once Ansh told her, she wouldn’t have her back. She didn’t want to have her back. She had her eyes set on Ansh and when she found out that he liked Mishka, she couldn’t believe her life took a turn like that- like some movie. And then she gave him up. But a month back, when she got the opportunity, she couldn’t resist it. She couldn’t believe it either. That she could still like him. Mishka was out and there was nothing better than alcohol in the world. And Mishka was the best excuse to invite Ansh over. She’d planned it all out, now she thought, like a vamp in some silly serial. But strong will power was never her forte. And she did it. She knew Mishka wouldn’t forgive but what she had forgotten was how much they loved each other. She drove back, knowing no one would come back looking for her.

In Room 413, Mishka held Ansh’s hand. He couldn’t speak through the oxygen mask. It only fogged when he tried. But she knew what he was saying. She knew he was sorry.

“I am sorry, too. I love you very much, Ansh. More than anything else. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I wouldn’t have come here, Ansh. Stay with me. Just stay.”

They both cried for the rest of the night. Held hands in each others’ and cried.

The nurse found both of them asleep the next morning. She was sleeping by the side of the bed, kneeled down on the floor and head resting on his palm and he lay peacefully on the bed, his other hand on her head. The nurse smiled and went on to call the doctor. The doctor had to be told, after all, that Ansh was normal again. 

Over A Cup of Coffee and Paneer Tikka - Part 2

Memories..

It was a rainy afternoon when he had told her what he told her. It was just one day, Mishka, he was saying, just one day. I know it hurts, but you have no idea how terribly guilty I feel, Mish. She knew she believed him, her heart knew it. But her logical mind refused him outright. There’s was no world where she would forgive a lying, cheating bastard. A one-day stand, huh? That’s what it was? she’d smirked. She got up and left. Without goodbyes, without a last look. She didn’t even say she didn’t want him anymore. It was implied. She didn’t want him to say sorry. That would’ve eased his burden and guilt. He didn’t shout or stop her. He sat with his head hung. She’d walked, walked as long, as far as she could. Even though she knew every nook and corner of Delhi, she didn’t know at that point where she was. Then her phone had buzzed. It was her mother. She had seen her walk past their home and was worried. She cried in her mother’s lap that day. Told her everything. Her mother had suggested forgiveness but she denied it vehemently. It does no good, ma, she had screamed. Her mother had patted her all night and she had cried all night, saying just two words, why me?

“There’s another party at Swarovski. What about there?”

“What?” Mishka sounded like she had been woken up from a deep sleep. Lipika grimaced. “Party. Swarovski.”

“Hmm. No. I don’t want to. Anywhere. I don’t want to go anywhere,” she constructed her sentences with difficulty, carefully choosing the words, afraid she would give away her thoughts.

“I want you to meet someone. He---”

“I DO NOT want to meet any new guy, LIPIKA. How HARD is  THAT to UNDERSTAND?” She realized she was shouting and thumping the table and gave a look of apology to all the people sitting. Then she glared at Lipika.

Lipika continued calmly. “He is the Head of the Creative Department of Femina. Its Delhi office.” She had lighted a cigarette by now. That was the only way she knew to not retort to anyone who snapped at her.

“Oh.” Mishka was embarrassed now. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. They were quiet for some time.

“Are you still getting the roses, Mish?”

Roses. They’d started to come in from the next morning after the night she’d cried in her mother’s arms. They increased with the number of days. First day there was one, then two the next and so on. Every rose had a note. Notes of apology, notes asking for another chance, noted about how he still loved her. Her mother took the roses, read out the note to her and kept the roses in her books. Books. Ansh had never liked reading books. He thought they took too long to finish. She’d discovered that when she had gifted him ‘Three Men In A Boat’ on their 6 month anniversary. It was a nice, light read and she was certain he would like it. But he had only given an apologetic smile and put the book away. When she’d visited him the next time, the book was right where he’d kept it then. When he saw that she had noticed, he had explained his aversion to books. She had laughed and said that he could’ve told her earlier. Then, they didn’t know that they’d be celebrating their 5 years anniversary soon, which would be followed by pain. But what is love without some pain…

“Let’s go, Mish. You can decide on the way if you want to come to the party or not,” Lipika got up. She glanced at Mishka and saw she hadn’t got up. So she lifted her by the elbow.

“I am getting up. Relax,” Mishka revolted.

On their way, Lipika was briefing Mishka about Parth.

“Parth. The Femina guy, Mish.”

“Oh.” She realized suddenly that she might’ve missed on a lot of what she had been told. Memories were still swarming her head, clouding her thoughts, making her dizzy. She wanted sleep but she knew it wouldn’t come. She closed her eyes, trying to register what Lipika was saying but all she could hear was Ansh. The way was he said he loved her, the way recited cheesy Bollywood dialogues, the way he cried when they couldn’t meet for days, the way he came running after her when she was angry with him, the way he was. Every word she heard connected to him. She’d spent 5 years of her life with him. There was no way she could forget him. There was a possibility of forgiveness, easier. Not very easy, but easier than forgetting which was almost impossible.

“Let’s go to Max, Lipika,” Mishka said. She didn’t know where the words came from. She just spoke them.

Over A Cup of Coffee and Paneer Tikka - Part 1

“I am trying to get over it,” Mishka said in a weak voice.

“Sure as hell you are. Really, now. He didn’t even deserve you,” Lipika retorted.

“All best friends say the same thing, Lipika,” Mishka spoke again, her voice stronger now.

“Ah! It is the right thing to say! What should I tell you? You are wrong and he is right?” Mishka began saying something. Lipika interrupted, “No no. I get it now,” she waved her hand, “that’s what you actually want to hear. He can’t be wrong, you think. He’s no god, Mishka. Stop obsessing over him. We have coffee here. What else do you want? Let me see. Paneer tikka. That’s your favorite.”

Again Mishka began to say something. “No more talking about Ansh, okay?” Lipika ended the conversation.

Mishka’s mind wandered. She was shut up. She couldn’t talk about him, she could think about him. She could still feel him everywhere. Near the fence of this roof-top café, under the umbrella tables, she could she him smiling. Smiling like he used to when he looked at her for long time. And then he would say how lucky he was to have her. She saw him beside the waiter who brought Paneer Tikka. Paneer tikka was his favorite too, you know, she wanted to say, so please don’t order it. We had it with coffee. Don’t. No use now. She knew not a morsel would go down her neck. It would be difficult to even pick one. But Lipika was adamant.

“Let’s go party tonight,” Lipika snapped her out of her thoughts.

“I don’t want to,” Mishka’s voice had gone weak again.

“Sure as hell you don’t want to. Come on now. Ansh won’t be around. You’ll have fun,” Lipika insisted. 

“It’s at Blue-O Lounge.” She spoke the name like it was a casual word to be carelessly tossed around between one’s sentences.

Blue-O Lounge. Mishka tried hard not to think about it. That was where she had met Ansh. He did not have blue eyes or six-pack. He was just ordinary, a sheepish smile always on his face which grew wider the moment he saw Mishka. It was almost love at first fight. Mishka had been mad at him for being a careless bartender. He let the boys mix Vodka with Lipika’s Strawberry Crush. Ansh hung his head in shame. Guilty for the crime he didn’t commit. He saw the way she moved her lips and it made him want to kiss her. He knew it was a very bad idea. He didn’t even know what she was saying. He could only see her lips making patterns. She had slammed hard at the table and announced that he was the worst bartender ever. And that she was never going to come back there again. But she came, again and again and a lot of times. And by the time she caught him staring at her for the fifth time, she knew it was inevitable. The next morning, he had woken up beside her and told her for the nth time, Mishka, you’re so gorgeous, I don’t have words. And then he said for the first time, I think I love you. Mishka had sat up straight on the bed. She almost couldn’t believe it. It was too good to be true. But it was. She’d pinched herself, she remembered now, and it had turned so red that Ansh had to kiss it over and over again for the rest of the day which they’d spent together. She didn’t know how to heal his wounds, so much bigger than hers, as he lay dying. His wounds were physical and emotional. She had known him so well that she wouldn’t have let him suffer. But that was earlier. Now, she didn’t know…

“EAT, MISHKA,” Lipika’s voice sounded like thunderbolt, shaking Mishka out of her sweetly melancholic memories. She put a piece in her mouth, unmindful of the fact that she hadn’t finished the one she had kept inside her mouth 10 minutes earlier. Lipika was saying something. “Need time out…good boy…Prakhar…no-nonsense…meet him…Blue-O Lounge…” Mishka knew what she was saying, but she blocked half the words from her speech and the rest, that she had caught, from her memory.